mtn, girl

(no subject)

Today, an employee had a maniacal breakdown while working.
He bikes to work and recently had to move across town.
I helped him find a store to transfer to, and honestly I'm very worried he won't last there.
It has made me second guess my management skills.
Why have I asked my employees to tolerate his mediocrity if I don't think he will be tolerated at another store?
Why do I allow myself to want to help them more than they want to help themselves?

He has no goals in life. One day I told him, "I don't expect you to love your job so much that you want to spend every day here... but I have never had a barista who was so excited to leave."
He apologized and said he doesn't hate his job, he just wants to get home and get his thoughts on paper.
Then one day he told me, "I want to be better at my job. I want to be the barista you are able to put in any position of the store and be trusted to perform to standards."

I told him I couldn't let him transfer unless he met expectations, so yes, that was my goal too.
He has spent the last 2 months improving. I've been so proud of him.
This week is his last week at my store.
When he walked in today, I had a gift wrapped for him.

It was a $30 wal mart gift card to get anything he needed for his new apartment.
and a journal.
I knew he would probably buy himself a plain, spiral bound notebook.
But it feels nicer when it's fancy.
I got him a hardcover notepad with woodgrain detail.
He hugged me, and told me that I may have saved his sanity. He needed money and something to get his thoughts onto.
He hugged me. He is not a hugger. He doesn't express emotion. I knew it was a big deal for him.

and then a few hours later, he cracked.
He was staring, trance-like at a POS screen with no customers around. Fingers hovering over buttons, just laughing. Laughing, and then almost crying. And laughing more. He was shivering. Freezing, while it was 75º.

Another employee brought him to the back, and I hear "I'm trying so hard right now. I just can't."
I told the employee to take him home, and if he opens up during the drive... take his time. Stay with him for as long as he needs.
Chase does so great in situations like this. He is a retired soldier, and he responds wonderfully in emergencies.

Chase brought him home and talked with him. He came back to work and will check on him in the evening.

But then something changed in me.
During his weakest point, I am having a hard time finding compassion.
I have had nothing but compassion, I've tried to invest in him when he was not an ideal employee.
I've forgiven tardiness because I don't know what it is like to ride a bike in winter or rain. Compassion has made me way too lenient.

There has been too many times that I have needed him because he is an employee of the store, and he can't perform the basic duties because he isn't taking care of himself.
I can't want this more than he does.
And today I have given up on him.

I feel like this change in attitude has made me a better manager, but a worse person.
mtn, girl

(no subject)

We are in our new house and everything is great.
Work is crazy, but for good reasons. I am losing a large percentage of my team... But its because i developed then into strong workers and they are getting promoted to fill positions in other stores.
I need to try to remember that having a team of nothing but new baristas is a good thing. I really enjoy developing talent, but it was easier when i had other strong employees to ensure things when i wasnt there.

Ruby will be having a surgery sometime this year. We don't know many details yet. We do know she will need a trach to be placed back in for every surgery for the next decade.

mtn, girl

(no subject)

Ruby received a voice output device.
It is basically an ipad with a case that amplifies the sound.
It is a screen of tiles, some tiles lead to sub menus.
For example, she brought it to me and pressed the family picture and found a picture of dad.
Then she went to the feelings picture and chose mad.
After a few minutes, she pieced together "dad mad ruby sad"

She still prefers to use signs to speak, but she quickly grabs her device if she sees that signing isn't effective.

She's been making new sounds. I hear a g sound sometimes. I'm glad she is interested in progressing, but I don't expect actual progress until we have more surgeries. We have an appointment in April. I am looking forward to having a plan to fix her jaw, but I am dreading the procedure of a jaw distraction again.
We were able to get through it the first time because we knew she could never get her trach out unless we did it.
It will be much harder this time.
mtn, girl

(no subject)

Brandon and I discussed the idea of moving in with my parents temporarily.
We are not broke, we have enough money to continue living here, but we would live here forever.
If we move to my parents, within 1 year we could have $20k saved and buy a house.

The house we are in now is falling apart.
Most recently, our air conditioner broke. The smell of smoke filled our whole house. We slept on the living room floor just in case we had to escape a burning house that night.

We can put our savings into this house, but we will never leave this house. Every 6 months, something major breaks. This house was never maintained, and now it is over 20 years old and we are the ones that have to deal with fixing the lack of maintenance.

I can come up with alot of negative things about living with my parents. ALOT. more negative than positive.
Their house is disgusting. They are hoarders. They cannot pass a goodwill. If 5 are in their path for the day, they will stop at all 5 of them each day. They add to their collection daily.
I could go on and on but it's too exhausting to think about.
But even after the whole list...
the positive is better.
1 year and we would have no debt and $20k.
Around 6 months we would have 8-10k. That is enough to start looking for a house, but 20 is our goal.

i'm disgusted with the thought of living there, but I can't see how we will ever get out of this house unless we do it.
mtn, girl

(no subject)

I might have a new hairstyle every time I have a day off.

I'm wearing these to all the wrong places though. A baby shower, a volunteer event, a doctors appointment...
Oh well! I'm having fun with this style!
mtn, girl

(no subject)

Ever since I was around ten years old, I have not used soap. I'm not embarrassed to admit this, as it has been 15 years and no one can tell. Even after Brandon and I had been intimate for years,he didn't know. I'm confident I'm not a stinky dirty lady.
Occasionally I have to take a towel and scrub my skin to remove dead skin cells, but I do not need soap to rid my skin of this.

I have hair down to my knees. Of course I've heard every type of hair care there is, and for years I have been trying to figure out which will work best for me. I finally had a moment where I realized I am already a firm believer in our bodies not needing manufactured chemicals to be why would our hair?

I'm aware of the baking soda washes and Apple cider vinegar rinse,but from trying them in the past...I know that cannot be my normal routine.I didn't care for how it made my hair.

So ten days ago,I quit using products. I am washing my hair with only water.
I thought I would still use conditioner,but I read about how water only washes help keep your hair detangled because your hairs natural oil will work as conditioner.
So I tried it.
Ten days and I have not put anything in my hair.

For all people going this method,there is a transition period. My hair is still producing oils as if I were still stripping it with shampoo,but this will calm down. My hair will recognize that it had the oil it needs and it should quit producing oil.
What I do in the meantime is use a bristle brush made out of boar hair. It attracts dirt and dust and removes it from my hair. And the natural fiber absorbs the oil and helps spread it down to the length of my hair.

To still look presentable in public, I am using tiny bits of baby powder on the hair right above my ears. I dint know if this is a trouble spot for everyone, but it's the only place I feel the need to conceal.

People are already noticing how much healthier my hair looks. I can't wait to be out of my transition period and the oil will be regulated at my scalp and all the way down my hair to make the ends smooth too.
mtn, girl

(no subject)

Melody turns 5 today.
We bought her a trampoline and it arrived yesterday. We set up it for her when it arrived, and the girls had a great time on it.
They didn't jump on it, but they tackled each other and rolled around. The whole evening was filled with laughter. It was a great time.

I wasn't able to get off today (or anytime in the last 3 weeks!!) because we are launching la boulange. depending on where you live, your local starbucks may have switched over to fancier pastries. we bought a bakery called la boulange and it is the south's turn to launch it.

it will be a huge success. louisiana already has the highest food results because everyone here loves to eat. I thought that was just a saying that everyone says no matter where you live... but now I'm seeing the data in restaurant sales. louisiana is pretty ridiculous!!
mtn, girl

(no subject)

Brandon helped me clean and organize the corner of our room that I store all of my craft stuff.
I was excited for the help, but it somehow put me in a funk.

I guess it was alot like looking at old pictures. I was looking at old projects that I put so much work into, but have nothing to show for it.
Almost all of my projects, I made for other people as gifts.
The things that I planned on making for myself never came out right, or were never completed.
Today I found a giant box of unfinished projects that I just threw away.
It made me feel sad to have them unfinished, and sad to throw them away.
But, I've held onto these things for about ten years and still haven't finished them.

I do have one thing I finished that I use everyday.

I didn't make it for my own use though. I made it intending to sell it, but was unsuccessful so I use it myself.
I keep telling myself I will make one with more purples and teals to reflect my own tastes. But it has been months since I have touched yarn.
Maybe I'll change that tonight.